How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
