She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
