when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
no you cant smoke seaweed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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