my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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