He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
