I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
