I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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