just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
