He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That was an excessively violent trivia night
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
