my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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