i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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