left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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