yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
