Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
