im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
