i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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