he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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