Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
