Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
