So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
