apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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