She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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