You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
