I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize