So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Randomize
