i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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