if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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