and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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