I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
