apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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