weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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