I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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