wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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