You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
