I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
