Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
