FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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