My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize