dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
