I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
