9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize