She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
