I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
