$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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