I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I skipped work to stalk him.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
