I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
