get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
