he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
