I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
