He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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