and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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