you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
