I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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