I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
