It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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