i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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