it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
