That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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