3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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