alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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