i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
