you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
