So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
