If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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