We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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